


Saudade

by SapphicHymns



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Human Nature!AU, basically...Marchlands AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphicHymns/pseuds/SapphicHymns
Summary: Saudade - A deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves."A shy brunette woman. Pale skin, contrasting with a light blue blouse, protecting her form. Long black skirt, with the length to her knees. For Yaz, it seemed as though the brunette wanted to run away. Hazel eyes kept roaming around the room, trying to find a place to land, but they couldn't find rest. Yaz could feel her nerves."
Relationships: Thasmin - Relationship, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thanks @yasminkhxns for beta-ing and to @TheRainbowFox and @Dabberdees for being supportive all around!
> 
> I have all the chapters planned and almost half written but this will slowly update. I just wanted to post now so I could end the year with a bang!

Fog.

Probably the only way Yaz could describe the environment of the small office she was in. All the small details that had jumped out when she had arrived were dissipating. Massive shelves full of books, surrounding the room that covered the sickening green outdated, at least for her, wallpaper. Dark, heavy curtains, with a thick layer of dust, neglected. Dark, oak chairs with red cushions, colour starting to fade

The only detail that seemed well taken care of, was a vase with a fresh bouquet on top of the office desk.

Though, all of that was fading in Yaz's mind. Slowly Ryan, Graham and Marcus Walker, the man they just met, were fading too. She could only focus on the figure on the opposite side of the room. A shy brunette woman. Pale skin, contrasting with a light blue blouse, protecting her form. Long black skirt, with the length to her knees. For Yaz, it seemed as though the brunette wanted to run away. Hazel eyes kept roaming around the room, trying to find a place to land, but they couldn't find rest. Yaz could feel her nerves.

The fog cleared the moment a gravelly voice broke the silence.

“I have to say, this list of recommendations is impressive but I don’t ever remember Mrs. Jones ever talking about,” Marcus pauses, looking between Ryan and Yaz “your services.”

Graham releases a nervous laugh, his body stiffening, “Mrs. Jones probably forgot to ever mention  _ us _ .”

Marcus kept analysing the physic paper, pleased with what he was reading the further he went. 

Good. If he didn’t, Yaz wouldn’t know what to do for everything to go back to normal.

* * *

The Doctor had left them, in quite a rush, back in Sheffield. She avoided answering any questions, obviously anxious and on the edge but trying to hide it with her usual smile. It had been 3 days since Yaz had last seen the conspicuous blue telephone box.

That empty space in front of Park Hill, was quickly filled with the appearance of the cheeky box. Speaking of the devil.

Yaz’s heart sang at the sight. Now she understood how the Doctor felt when the ship appeared in Desolation. She ran out of the apartment, phone in hand, calling Ryan and Graham. Adrenaline was already starting to flood her veins, ready for a new adventure. Past and future, just within her grasp. She wanted it all.

When she reached the TARDIS, there was only the humming of the ship and no sight of the Doctor.

“Doctor?”

Silence.

She decided to check the other rooms but she couldn’t find the Time Lord anywhere. The library, the kitchen, the pool. Nothing. She even knocked on the door to the Doctor’s room but no answer. Back in the center of the TARDIS, Ryan and Graham were waiting for her and the Doctor.

“Hey, Yaz.” Graham said but then he noticed a certain blonde alien missing, “Where’s the Doc?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been searching for her but I can’t find her anywhere.” Yaz replied, a worried tone in her voice.

“Maybe she just went to buy a new packet of custard creams, probably ran out of them considering how much she eats.” Ryan quips. The moment he finishes talking, a loud, high pitched mic feedback echoes throughout the room. Yaz could swear that even the ship groaned with them.

“Is it recording?” it was the Doctor’s voice. The screens around the console room were lighting up, showing images of the Time Lord that surfaced to everyone’s surprise. “It has been a couple of regenerations since I’ve recorded anything!” The three humans were looking at the displays, taken aback.

Worry was clouding the Doctor’s eyes, something Yaz had never seen before. “I don’t have much time to explain” she paused, closing her eyes and breathing in. As if she was going to fall off and was preparing for the impact.

“I’m going to become human.”

Human? Was that possible? ...Was that even a question with all she had seen in her adventures with the Time Lord?

“This device, the Chameleon Arch, will rewrite my biology, change all my cells. The TARDIS will take care of the rest. And this…” The Doctor was holding a pocket watch, engraved with mesmerizing circles. “Holds all my memories. All that I am, is inside it. You’ll have to find the watch and open it. Only way for me to become a Time Lord again”

The implication of the Doctor ceasing to exist, even for a moment, left Yaz’s blood cold as a winter morning. No way to fix this if they fail. She couldn’t let that happen. They had to bring the Doctor back. She looked at Graham and Ryan, trying to be as confident as the Doctor. Yaz hopes she was as successful as she was trying to be.

* * *

“Can…” Marcus looks directly at Yaz, in a way that made her feel small, even if she was standing. She wouldn’t let that show.

“Yasmin Khan.” she replied, trying to not show distaste in her voice.

“Miss Khan, stay in the household?” He said, rather bitterly. Marcus was rather good looking. Short black hair with white starting to show. Dark circles, blending into his olive toned skin, under his blue eyes. He knew how to impose himself, how to easily convince others, that much was clear. Yaz felt that he could easily convince her and that truly frightened her. Shivers went down her spine, just at the thought.

“As long she doesn’t cause any trouble.”

Yaz was going to bite back at his words, till the brunette interrupted, walking closer to the desk. “I apologize, he doesn’t mean any harm.” She smiled, which pulled Yaz’s heartstrings. Her smile was as warm as always. Yaz kept repeating the Doctor’s words in her head. 

Human.

The bright sun who crashed down on the Sheffield train, in a cold and murky night, who light Yaz’s spirit ablaze with excitement and adventure, was now a stranger in front of her. Just a anxious woman, who wanted to retreat, to be alone. A human, a simple wife. Johanna Walker, was now the Doctor's name. A stranger who she shared a smile with.

“Ever since Margaret, Marcus' mother, passed away very suddenly, it has become more difficult to maintain the estate.”

Marcus coughs, somewhat annoyed that the Do- Johanna had interrupted him. “Yes, and I’ve been having little to no time to help. Work has become rather hectic as of late, consuming most of my time."

"How long have both been together?" Graham asked, nervously but trying his best not to show. He was uncomfortable, they all were and it was thick and palpable in the atmosphere of the room.

"Over a year. We only started living here eight or nine months ago. My mother was quite warm to Johanna so she had asked for us to move in.” The Doctor...Johanna, it was going to take a while for Yaz to get used to the name, even if it felt as someone was piercing her heart. Johanna seemed rather uncomfortable, as if Marcus was lying about his mother.

“We’ve been married for almost a year.” Johanna added, glancing at Yaz and Ryan but quickly looking away.

Both of them exchanged looks, realizing something was wrong with Johanna Walker.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter and Tumblr as @sapphichymns!

A week passed by, agonizingly slow. The upkeep of the Walker estate was rather troublesome. The thick layers of dust that were apparent in Marcus’ office were present throughout the house. But the outside was an impressive and beautiful sight, isolated and hidden from the world. The old house, with the whites and the dark wood details blending in with the green of the tall oak trees. An immense lake, just a few steps away, reflecting the woods, a mesmerizing mirror.

They couldn’t appreciate it, Yaz thought.

Ever since she started working as a maid for the Walkers, she was mostly busy cleaning. So much cleaning. The hallways, the walls filled with bookcases hiding the garrish wallpaper. Furniture in every corner, filling the empty spaces. Yaz had to be thorough, check every nook and cranny, to find the watch. To find the Doctor.

The boys weren’t lucky either. Marcus kept them busy with the garden and the kitchen. No time to breathe except at night, when they went to the servant quarters, away from the house. Marcus wasn’t kidding when he had said the estate was high maintenance.

Marcus kept pushing work on top of both Ryan and Yaz, clearly bitter and angry but trying to keep it under control. Graham was able to charm him, calm him down and to know more about him.

He was a salesman, in a factory in the nearby town. He was only around the house during the early mornings and would come home rather late at night. Most of the time, Yaz didn’t even know when he came back, considering how tired she was at the end of the day, collapsing immediately when she reached her loft. He was rarely at the house. Only once did Yaz see him with Johanna, but they remained mostly quiet, except for casual pleasantries. A relentless silence that suffocated them.

Johanna kept her distance, only sparing small glances at Yaz during the day. The opposite of the Doctor, quiet and shy. No longer the centre of the universe. The bright sun had become a moon, covered by the clouds.

* * *

Wanting to rest up for the day, Yaz retreated back to her loft. Her grey uniform, becoming darker with dust stains. At least it was better than the usual alcohol stains from breaking up fights in pubs. Still, she missed her police uniform and the power that came with it. 

A light knock came from the door. Johanna was standing under the frame of the entry, not wanting to cross an invisible line that was between them.

“Hello.” She said in a faint voice.

“Hi.”

Quiet. Well, that conversation didn’t get far.

Johanna took a deep breath, as if to muster the courage to say something scandalous, out of line. “Please forgive Marcus, Miss Khan. He can be rather unforgiving and obsessed with perfection but he is rather caring.”

Yaz studies the brunette, the way she is messing with her hands. Anxiety manifesting in all her figure, wanting to reach out or let someone in. Exactly as the Doctor did before she invited her for tea.

“No worries.” Yaz softly smiles, trying to reassure Johanna. She would have to deal with the pain, get used to it. No matter how much she loathed it. “Can I ask you something? If you don’t mind of course.”

Johanna nods shyly, “No, go ahead.”

“Do you ever feel…alone? I understand if you don’t want to answer, I’m already asking too much of you.”

"It's fine." A look of deep thought furrowed Johanna's brow. "Not since you arrived here. I mean, with both Mister O'Brien and Mister Sinclair. Ever since my mother-in-law passed away, it has been awfully quiet and it is quite nice for the house to become lively again." She pauses, awkwardly flinching, "Sorry, it seems I'm talking too much."

That hadn’t changed then, “No, that’s okay. I’m glad we’re helping then.” Yaz blushes slightly and smiles, hoping it reassures Johanna.

"Thank you, Miss Khan." Johanna murmured, almost meeting Yaz's brown eyes, but she abruptly looked away and left.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter/Tumblr @sapphichymns. Leave a comment or something...Yes, I am great at this!
> 
> TW: Panic attack

“I can’t find it anywhere. I looked for it and yet, nothing.” Despair creeped into Yaz’s voice. Finding the missing ornate fob watch was proving to be rather difficult. She was starting to miss the adventures,the TARDIS, her home, her family. Her friend. 

"You'll be able to find it, I know you will." Graham said, confident and proud in the young woman's abilities, placing a cup of tea on the table in front of her. The midday breaks in the cramped kitchen were a welcome reprieve, a necessary rest amidst the chaos that was working on the Walker estate.

They were trying to bring some normalcy to the few times they met during the day, the comfort needed. Graham wanted to make sure these small moments helped, that Yaz and Ryan were okay. That it didn't get to levels of Montgomery and he hoped it never did.

"But what if she's lost for good? What if we can't find the watch?"

"Mate, this isn't like you. We'll find it." Ryan sat across from Yaz in an old wooden chair.

"Yes but it is just…" She swallowed, hoping her worries would do the same.

Graham rested a hand on Yaz's shoulder "Love…" He added softly, hoping the young woman trusted his words. "We  _ will _ find her, and I'm sure that underneath it all, Johanna is still the Doc." 

“Thank you, Graham.” Those simple words lifted Yaz’s spirits, bringing a new hope to the young woman.

All of the sudden, a crash echoed, cutting through the comfortable silence that settled in the kitchen between the three. They rushed to the source of the sound and what they found was Johanna, on her knees, in one of the corners of the living room.

Yaz slowly approached her, Graham and Ryan closely behind. “Mrs Walker?”

No answer. 

The lonely figure in the room was shaken, a shell from the past. Broken pieces were in front of her, a dark red glistening coating some. Johanna was mumbling, pale hands with small cuts and blood slowly pouring out. Head down, as if she was asking for mercy to the executioner. Breathing trapped in her throat, wanting to escape its jail. Death was coming for her, it was the only way to explain the sharp pain growing in her chest. She was not ready for it.

Yaz kneeled in front of her, the pieces between them. She could clearly hear what Johanna was repeating, as though a cassette tape wearing out with the damage done overclocking it.

"I'm sorry."

She pulled a handkerchief out of her pockets and gently wrapped it in Johanna's left hand. The red started to quickly taint the pure white of the cloth. Her skin was cold to the touch, bringing goosebumps to Yaz’s warm skin.

“Mrs Walker?”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Mrs Walker?”

“I’m sor--”

“Johanna?”

She suddenly stopped. Yaz attentively grabbed the back of Johanna’s right hand and prepared herself.

“Take deep breaths.”

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Becoming a rhythm, a song stuck in the head, repeating non-stop. The room that was dissipating in front of her eyes, becoming darker with each accelerated heartbeat, going back to its natural state. The figure in front of her, became an anchor, grounding her to the present. It gave her hope.

“You are doing great, Johanna. Just keep taking deep breaths.”

“I’ll see if I can find a first aid kit to take care of those wounds. See if you can help them.” Graham whispered to Ryan, who just nodded. After the older man left, Ryan kneeled next Johanna, almost resting his hand on her shoulder, but he hesitated. The woman he admired, was shattered as the broken pieces that lay on the floor. He carefully picked up the pieces and earnestly looked at her.

“We’re here for you.”

* * *

The hands that were shaking and red with blood a few minutes before, were now covered in bandages, wrapped around a warm mug filled with tea. The panic devouring the pale brunette woman, was nowhere to be seen, or at least not to the naked eye.

Yaz and Graham sat across from Johanna, silent and patient, hoping she would open up to them sooner or later. Ryan less so, Yaz could see him leaning back against the kitchen sink, tapping lightly his leg. She shot him a glare and he awkwardly stopped, mouthing an apology. 

Time gradually passed, leaving Yaz longing for Johanna’s touch. The dire situation that had happened was not something she wanted to repeat, but she yearned to feel that warmth once again against her skin.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, forcing herself not to reach out and hold the freshly bandaged hands.

Johanna nodded and quietly said, “Better.” There was a pause, “Can…” she swallowed, a sudden realization hitting her expression, complexion becoming paler. “Please, don’t mention what happened earlier… to Marcus.” The last words almost inaudible.

“Sure, love.” Graham said, comforting the woman in front of him. A ghost of a smile appeared on her face but it was gone in a second. She had become the shell that they quickly grew to know.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter and Tumblr as @sapphichymns!


End file.
